"What’s Going On?" -- By Iyanla Vanzant
If I whisper your name
and you do not respond, my need to get your attention will grow.
Eventually, I will call your name out loud. If you do not hear me or
choose to ignore me, my need to have you pay attention and acknowledge
my presence will be intensified. People have a need to be seen and
heard. How we go about getting the attention we need or desire in any
given moment can be questioned or judged, neither of which lessens the
need.
Unmet needs give rise to a variety of emotions, many of
which are toxic. These needs are often fueled by personal history and
experience. Unmet needs often clash with the energy of the environment
in which they live, giving rise to fear, anger or denial. People need to
feel safe. They need to feel valued.
When people do not feel
seen, heard or important, when they have needs that are dismissed,
ignored or denied, they will do whatever they feel is necessary to get
the attention of those they perceive can give them relief.
A
whisper becomes a call. A call becomes a yell. When a yell does not
yield a response people may pump their fists in the air. When the fists
do not get a response, something will be thrown. If you are hit by what
is thrown, you will respond, not to the initial need, but to the fact
that you got hit.
The need that motivated the whisper remains
unaddressed. The attention is now shifted to what I did rather than what
I needed in the first place.
Whether we are looking at the
Michael Brown case in #Ferguson, the uprising in Egypt two years ago or
Rosa Parks refusing to give up her seat on a bus, there is an outcry of
unmet needs and the experience of feeling unsafe and devalued in this
country that must be acknowledged and addressed.
Couples do it
to each other when they feel everything else has failed. Parents do it
to their children when they are stressed or overwhelmed. Supervisors and
co-workers do it overtly and covertly in ways that are both hurtful and
harmful.
People get angry. When they do, they act out, strike
out and commit acts which, if they are in their “right minds” they would
not do and for which they often feel embarrassed and remorseful. We
live in a world that has done a dismally, ineffective job of teaching
people how to channel or express difficult emotions.
Those who
witness or experience inappropriate emotional expressions often go into
fear, then into judgment, then they expect the worse of you and from
you.
In fact, they prepare for it, escalating the stakes and
diminishing the initial need. Now their need takes priority. There is
something they want from you. They want you to be quiet and go away. Now
it’s about power; who has it and who doesn’t. More difficult emotion to
process; more needs to be met.
When fear is present, vision is obscured.
When anger and rage cloud the mind, reasoning is faulty.
When people are hurt, they fear it will get worse.
When they are angry they look for ways to defuse and disperse the energy.
When people feel their power is challenged they intensify their resistance.
If people feel their power is stolen they act out in anger and despair.
Human
beings pushed to the limit of their experience and capacity to process
what they are feeling will and do act out. They do it in their homes.
They do it on their jobs. When there is no experience of justice, there
can be no peace.
When people feel they are not being heard, they
will do whatever they feel is necessary to get your attention. They did
it in Ferguson, MO. They did it with Occupy Wall Street. They did it in
Selma. It will continue to happen in overt and covert ways until the
needs of people are acknowledged and addressed.
Individually and
collectively, we can attach a variety of reasons, rationales and
judgments to what we have seen in Ferguson. We can agree or disagree. We
can understand or not. What we must not do is deny that the needs of
people in various pockets of this society are being ignored and
dismissed.
It is time to admit that we are ill equipped and
often unwilling to address the difficult truths that are erupting in the
streets through our society.
People are suffering. Many are in
despair. We no longer trust the systems and institutions created to
protect and serve us. The institutions in Ferguson expected the worst
from the people. They expected their power to be challenged. They set it
up and they got just what they expected.
The people expected
the worst from the institutions. They have seen it before. They trusted a
system that has already proven it could not, would not respond their
need for justice. They too got exactly what they expected.
Anything that anyone says in this moment cannot be heard with an open mind or heart.
We
are now taking sides. We are looking at historical, social and personal
perceptions of right and wrong; guilt and innocence; fairness and
unfairness.
The issue is no longer the death of an unarmed
youth. The issue has shifted away from the breakdown of trust and
credibility between police authorities and the people they are entrusted
to protect.
Dare we mention the criminalization and
demonization of African American males throughout this country? Can we,
without fear of reprisal and attack suggest the possibility of the abuse
of power by police authorities? Should we even consider the difficult
job of police officers in cities around the country when it is known
that they are not trusted, often despised, with or without good reason?
Are we to continue ignoring feelings of powerlessness, the need to be
heard and seen; to feel valuable and important when you are poor or
black or gay or elderly or just human? Where exactly are we to look for
healing? What exactly is it that we expect to be healed?
To heal means to make whole again; to restore to original purpose and value.
This
would require that everyone involved become willing to see, acknowledge
and address the real truths that have resulted in more pain, more unmet
needs, greater demonstrations of power and a deeper sense of
powerlessness and despair.
It is possible that we are witnessing
what happens when the very thing that makes us human, our capacity to
think and respond with emotion, is taken lightly or not even considered.
We maybe sitting in the result of moving away from the heart,
the need to feel connected. Perhaps we are being confronted with what
happens when people, who are invisible are allowed into your mind, heart
and home at all hours of the day and night.
One thing for sure, what is being played out on the news is not going away.
History will repeat herself until you understand what she is saying and address it head on.
"What’s Going On?" -- By Iyanla Vanzant
