A Real Conversation

#MyThreeCents

America needed to have this conversation. We are more than the sum of our parts but we are still "parts" of the whole. We, as a nation, are stronger together but none of us, as individuals, are perfect. No one person or group of people. There is crime is every community. Yet. This is not the issue, at hand...

Reality-based dialogue about the American melting pot, or lack thereof, can never be a step in the wrong direction, if making us a stronger nation is the ultimate goal. Discussing the reality of the way we interact with one another should not constantly polarize Do you remember September 2011?! I do. America was her most beautiful when we stood together - shoulder to shoulder - bonding around our commonalities, not our differences. We can still do that without de-valuing the things that made us different.

The fact is, as much as we'd like to shy away from the truth...we are not color blind - our perceptions trump our idealism. This isn't an accusation or an attempt to sway folks one way or the other. It's fact. Our perceptions are being challenged and it is uncomfortable.

Black Americans: It is uncomfortable, as an American (of African descent), to look at our own communities and realize we are leading ourselves to destruction by passing a blind eye to what is really happening in our neighborhoods...to our children, our future. We surrender our power when we don't acknowledge the truth.

There will always be racists among us but every person that discusses this truth is not racist. We kill more of our own than any other ethnicity. There are criminals among us as well as law-abiding civilians. When do we start teaching our children that strong moral character trumps twerkin' and thuglife? We need to do better. We need to do more "law-making" and less "clean-up" of the after-affects of a law already in-force. Are you upset by the Zimmerman cases' outcome? Then start a grass roots movement to repeal that law. Do you know how? Find out. Do you know who your district representative is? Find out. Write them. Vote about it...don't just talk about it.

This change needs to come from within our community...and it needs to start now. If we spent as much time bettering ourselves as we do, pointing out the "racists", we wouldn't be failing ourselves or our children.

White Americans: It is uncomfortable, as an American (of European descent), to realize there is validity to the observations being made about the frailty of a mentality that choosing to see only that which is comfortable to look at, while ignoring a harsher reality - there are still racists in America.

It is not easy to "get over it", when "it" is constantly being - forcibly - inserted into our minds. No one has ever told a rape victim to "get over it", while simultaneously calling her/him a "slut who begged for it". Yet, this was/is happening in the black community. Additionally, pointing out "other folks" problems without adding a plan and/or ideas for resolution is fruitless and leads to resentment. Statistics? Yes. The statistics are available for all too see but if your statistical quotes about the plight of the African American doesn't include a thoughtful, genuine resolution...it comes off as ego-stroking. Self-serving. Dogma.

Frankly, it is understandably uncomfortable to be asked to
review/discuss what seems like other folks 'problems' the simple truth is, the judicial system is flawed. This country was built by men who did not see other men as fully equal. This mentality is systematic and pervasive. The governing laws can not be equal when outcomes differ wildly based on the race of the people involved. There is something wrong and it needs to be fixed.

This does not mean the people who want to "fix" this, want to take anything away from White America. Remember, a judicial system built to truly reflect equality, regardless of the race of the people involved, is a benefit to the nation as a whole.

FYI: It doesn't matter if folks agree or disagree with my assessment/comment. My son, an American soldier, is prepared to take a bullet to insure we each enjoy the freedom to continue this conversation.

Ego Makes The World Go 'Round!

Ladies and Gentleman: We are letting our egos rule us. We discard people and relationships now-a-days not because they were trying to take advantage of us but because they didn't stroke our ego the way we like. They didn't validate our image of self or our poor choices so to "protect" our ego (instead of improving self or making better choices), we lash out! We blame one another. We call each other names (like "deadbeat" or "sidechick" or "dog" or "whore" or "real" or "good"). We point fingers. We seek to de-value others. We set fire to the rain, dammit! LOL! It's a fierce revolving cycle that never lets up - until we (men and women, alike) decide to "get off the ride". And we must, eventually...get off the ride. Why? Because we're doing more harm than good. Let me explain...

Everyone is ruled by their ego. Everyone.

It's not a dirty word! Ego. EGO! Ego. See? No lighting strike or fire from the heavens. It's just a word - our actions are what give this word it's negative connotations. We make the "self first before others" mentality somehow bad - even though we all react in "self-first" behaviors everyday and everyway. Don't believe me? Okay, check this out: 

"How will this <insert situation/circumstance> benefit ME?"
"What do I 'get' out of this?"
"Doing this <insert action/choice> makes ME feel good!"
"I love the way - it/he/she/they/worshiping God/ buying this item/volunteering my time - makes ME feel."
"I've been sacrificing and 'doing' for them, so they'll love ME and if they don't - I'll stop sacrificing!"
"I have to defend my <insert stance/ opinion/ faith/ belief> so I don't look bad or feel bad or be made to feel 'less than' someone else."

"He treats ME like a queen!"

"She makes ME feel like a king!"

And so on. And so on...it's all ego. Look familiar?

There are some folks who'll aggressively disagree. <laughs> I expect it. No one wants to be labeled as "ego-tistical" and we all WANT to be seen as self-LESS not self-ISH. Right?

Oh, well. Guess what?! WE ARE ALL SELFISH AND SELF-FOCUSED!

(Side Note: If you're feeling 'some kind of way' about that last statement in all caps, it's probably because I pinged your ego - "Who does she think she think is, actin' like she know me?! She don't know me?!" You're absolutely right. I don't know you. But, I do know that what you're feeling, is the emotional reaction to your need and desire to protect yourself - your image of your SELF - from my perceived "attack". Oops! Wasn't my intention. Sorry. Just providing some perspective a large majority can relate to, to make my point. LOL!)

No matter we "say", display to the world or bury beneath religious dogma, we cannot ignore the fact that every single action, choice, decision and behavior can be rooted back - no matter how intricate or convoluted the path - to our ego. Period. 

Here's the thing, ya'll - I'm not trying to reinvent the wheel or overturn modern day psychological advances with this long post. <laughs> I'm too lazy for all that nonsense but I do have a point. My point? We need to come to terms with how we define "ego" in our lives, how we "feed" our ego, what triggers those "ego-protection"-behaviors and how we navigate our intimate/ personal/ professional relationships with this simple truth. 

[Personally, I believe the "self first" mentality - the ego - is meant to protect us, keep us from allowing manipulation, wrong-doers and life's difficult trials from taking advantage of or breaking and "killing" the compassionate, vulnerable parts of us. We must love, value and honor ourselves (FIRST!) before anyone will be able to do it. Right? Well, this is why the ego has its place. Yet, we have allowed the ego's true function to become distorted. We are spending more time protecting and feeding our ego, than we are allowing our ego to protect and keep US - who we truly are, behind our masks - grounded, compassionate and vulnerable in the midst of trials/ tribulations/ opinions/ societal pressures and other outside stimulus.]

Why must we argue with stranges over matters that are based on personal, individual choices? Ego.

Why must we resort to name-calling, when facts will suffice to support our point? Ego.

Why must we "war" with the opposite sex about matters that require effort and improvement from both sexes? Ego.

I don't have "all" the answers, I'm growing and learning just like eah of you but I do know this: If we can't get a true understanding of "ego" and how our everyday interactions are colored by it - our personal, professional, community and global relationships will continue to struggle, deteriorate and increasingly fail. We got to get our heads right about this - our children are watching.

Nankurunaisa!

[Edited 1-1-2014]

Cutting People Out!

This is AWESOME! It's simple and true.

I love everything about this quote, which caused me to consider a thing or two about a thing or two...

I think as adults, we need to acknowledge that this concept work both ways! I remove folks from my life, for ME...and other people remove ME from THEIR lives, for themselves. See how that works? I’m just saying!

If someone chooses to remove me from their lives, I respect their decision. They are “cleaning their proverbial house”. No reason for ME to get angry at THEM - they walked away from me, choosing a different path. Good for them. I’m a firm believer in life’s ability to fill a void when created. <shrugs> I can’t control other folks. I can only control me, so I choose to be happy, whether they’re walking with me...or not. Keep it moving.

Yet...some folks may not fully comprehend the subtlety of this statement when it is applied directly to THEIR lives, by THEIR “loved ones”. Seriously. When people start "cleaning" their proverbial houses – the “cut-off” person...LOSE THEIR MINDS! They are surprised/offended/angry/hurt/belligerent. <laughs> I mean, they are freaking traumatized! It gets a little hairy!

Things the “Cut-off” Person does...

--They tell LIES about the other person. (ex. “So-and-So ACTS like she TOO GOOD to SPEAK to me anymore!” etc.)

--They try to justify the ACTIONS that caused them to get cut-off. (ex. "I’d’ve done things DIFFERENT if SHE/HE/THEY had just said something! Things would’ve been MUCH different!" Etc.)

--They stomp away from the other person with various degrees of surprise/offense/anger/hurt/belligerence wrapped in piss and vinegar! (...in extreme cases! LOLZ!!!)

I could go on and on and on (and on and on and on) but I won’t because the simple fact is...IT'S NOT ABOUT THEM!!!

<laughs>

ANYWAY! I really love this quote!

Relationship Question: One Response.

I roam on the inter-webs, frequently running into questions that give me pause; this was one such a question...

Do we, black women, believe so little in our men - in love in general that we just don't "know" we'll marry one day, only hope it'll happen? Do we early-on only think: "I'm going have a boyfriend,  or worst, bady-daddy?" Is marriage really something black women believe can happen for them?

  

My response...

I think folks (white or otherwise) emulate what they see - we are influenced by our circumstance. If I am surrounded by married folks (committed or adulterous) from a young age, then marriage will become a part of what being a grown-up means and its “importance” will hold weight. If I am surrounded by perpetually single folks (bitter or happy) from a young age, then, the “importance” of marriage will have less weight. Doesn't make it wrong or right just reality.

I’ll also add, from my personal experience, there seems to be more conversations had, in the black community, about what we DON’T want, than what we claim we DO want. Example: Folks can spend hours and hours and hours talking about cheaters/deadbeat-dads/liars/no-good-men/not-stroking-egos...but when asked to site examples of how to support a man (or women) mentally and emotionally...folks becomes quiet. Everyone seems to have commentary about the negative aspects of marriage but few are willing to discuss the realities of what a positive committed relationship requires. It's easier that way. Also, some folks get caught in the trap of, "If that relationship didn't work, the next one won't either." and they give up...and claim happiness in single-hood when they really want to be in a healthy, committed relationship.

I have never, ever (EVER!) lost faith in the fact that there are plenty of willing men and women (black and otherwise) available and desiring of a healthy, committed relationship/marriage. <laughs> The truth is out there!

The Problem With “Potential”

The Problem With “Potential”

The problem with “potential” is inherent in its definition – “capable of being but not yet in existence”. Do you see the problem? Let me clarify, potential is “what-could-be”…NOT…“what-is”. Therein lies our problem. We fall into the trap of believing what is potentially possible in the future is actually current reality. NO! It’s not.

I don’t know about you but I want to live with WHAT IS ACTUALLY HAPPENING RIGHT NOW  in my life…not WHAT MIGHT BE HAPPENING  in my life! This is a new year. A fresh start. A new perspective. It’s time to move forward, out of the “forest of potential” into the reality of what is our best time – our life right NOW!

You may already know these simple facts but just a thought or two about a topic or two:

FACT…”potential jobs” are not actual jobs! Seriously - potential jobs don’t actually pay bills! If you want that REAL job, apply for it! Don’t have the required degree or skill-set? Go get them! Start now. Shucks, you may not want to work for anyone! (AWESOME!) You have that entrepreneurial-spirit?! Wonderful. Start, right now, researching products/services you can provide to consumers - drafting a business plan. Learn the process and then work the process. The only thing stopping you – is you. “Where there is a will, there is a way.”

FACT…”potential dreams” are not actual accomplished goals! Sure, they are seeds but without ACTION…potential dreams don’t bear fruit. You must plan and then work that plan. Determine what you want. Research how to get it. Take action. You want to move into that new home. Start looking. Start saving. New car? Ditto. What’s really stopping you?! If all you have is “coulda-woulda-shouldas”…then that is all you will ever have. Whatever your dream is – remember this – nothing is impossible! Nothing.

FACT…”potential relationships” are not actual relationships! The blunt fact is – if there is no mutually agreed commitment - you are single. Doesn’t matter how much great sex there is, how often he/she is at your home or how many gifts are bought – no mutual commitment means no relationship. I know how easy it is to think, “…but we are GREAT together! We have the potential to be something wonderful”. I’m sure you do have the potential but remember potential means, “capable of being but not yet in existence”.  It’s so easy to think of all the potential possibilities, to get tangled in images of what could be, while years pass you by. Lord knows, I don’t know the secret to perfect relationships but I do know this, ladies and gentleman, if that man or women isn’t saying, “I love you. Let’s do this thing, me and you, together! Right now! Let’s try!”  You are not in a relationship. You are single. If single-hood is what you want – wonderful! Yet, if a relationship is what you want – don’t get trapped into providing someone all the benefits of an actual committed relationship when they are only returning the promise of a potential relationship.

At this point, I’m probably preaching to the choir…

Look, it isn’t my intention to shine a negative light on any of the above topics. My point is that “potential” is the START…not the END! If there is potential, then there is the capacity for existence but only ACTION will cause that "potential" to become REALITY. This is your life RIGHT NOW! This place, right now, is where you are – if this isn’t where you want to be...then TAKE ACTION to get there. Don’t get tangled in the idea of what “could be”…create your “what is”, right now!

In the eloquently simple command of Captain Jean-luc Picard: "Make it so!"

[Hmmm...this got pretty word-y. <laughs> Apparently, it was on my heart.]