Being a Black Woman.

It can sometimes feel like an unnecessary weight to me. Being black is super *heavy*. But a black woman? There are everyday microaggressions built within society that try to finagle the individuality of black women into a monolith. The pressure to conform to the foolishness is ridiculous. And if we *do* display certain behaviors, then fingers are pointed at us, lik...see you're just another <insert false belief about black women>.

You must be: Strong! Even when we're weak! And suffering. Complaints equal weakness. Getting help means weakness. And weakness means we're (somehow) less than - "Your grandmother made it through how come you can't?"

You must be: Vulnerable! Even to the detriment of our own Physical and Mental Health! We must shrink ourselves so that others feel big!

You must be: Proud of your blackness!
Aggressively proud!!! We must love, The Good The Bad and The Ugly! Or we hate ourselves and the culture!

You must be: Infatuated with Black history! Never EVER forgetting the HISTORY is slavery!!! Ever. We must read books about slavery, we must watch movies about slavery...and looking to the future means we don't care about what our ancestors did, to get us to where we are! And we hate ourselves and the culture.

You must be: Submissive! To our men! To our children! To our work-superiors! If we are not submissive, the (destructive) assumption is, you're just another one of those "loud-mouth angry black women"! And don't deserve any good things, especially a healthy, loving relationship! Also we don't get to define what submissive means. Be we must BE submissive.

You must be: A caretaker of other folks issues and their feelings...ABOVE OUR OWN! Because apparently, being a black woman means, you are responsible for other people's feelings! Like the "mammy" from olden days! We're supposed to *empathize* with every other cultural issue/problem but when *we* discuss ours, *we* are pulling the Race Card!

You must be: Supportive of (A...L...L) Black Men! We have to love black men more than we love ourselves! Even the ones that have *put* themselves into bad situations because of their OWN poor decisions (that have nothing to do with a white man or a black woman)! If we don't love black men more than ourselves...we hate black men, we hate ourselves and we hate our culture! And we (apparently) don't deserve love.

You must be: Responsible for every action taken within the community! When black men choose to be abusive towards their spouse...it is the black woman's fault. Should have been more submissive!
When black men have sex with multiple women and make multiple babies...it is the black woman's fault. Those thots should not have open their legs. When black men walk away from *whole* families (for whatever) and the sons/daughters grow up wild...it is the black woman's fault. She should have raised those babies better!

You must be: Proud of your coil-y hair and wear it naturally! Wearing our hair bone-straight or in any other style that is not its natural state means you *hate* yourself! And others who look like you.

You must be: Christian! And conform to the societal structure within the church. Practicing any other religion makes you an odd duck and you may be ostracized by the very culture you were born into!

We can't win for losing. It's tedious!!! The weight of the misconceptions. The weight of the stereotypes. The weight of the expectations. From inside and outside the culture. Being a Black Woman? It's a lot!

See, fuck all of that...I just want to be Edith.

Created 12/9/18

Dear Co-worker...

No. I will not be bullied.

No. I will not be manhandled.

No. I will not be manipulated.

No. I will not be treated like trash until YOU need something from me. I reject that behavior.

No. I will not be the "toy" YOU decide to pick up and put down, whenev7er its convenient for you. I reject that interaction.

No. I will not respond when YOU decide that this day, is the day, you want to talk AT me. About yourself. I reject that conversation.

No. I will not treat YOU respectfully, when you passively/aggressively disrespect ME throughout the week. I reject those micro-aggressions.

No. I will not let YOUR behaviour dictate what MY behavior will be. I reject that logic.

No. I am not a plant. Or a pet. Or an inanimate object you can pretend is not there. Yes, I am here. Namaste.

No. I am am not a counselor. Or an therapist. Or a psychologist. Or psychiatrist. I am not here for you to vent your every negative thought. I reject that discussion.

Frankly, I am not here for you. At all. I am not your friend or assistant. I am not your sister or brother. I am not your husband or wife. I am not your family. I am an employee. You are an employee. We are co-workers. We work for the same organization. I reject the burden of your insecurities, issues, undiagnosed mental health challenges and incorrect perceptions about me.

The only thing I am obligated to provide to you, as a co-worker, is polite professionalism and productivity, directly related to my own workload.

Remember this.

Created 2/19/19

"I Am Done Talking About It!"

It's been a harrowing week, with regard to race relations in this country. As usual. Although, concerning this is not my most pressing concern. You want to know what is? My burning resolve to STOP doing the same thing, repeatedly, HOPING, WISHING and PRAYING to get a different outcome. <laughing> It's talking. Just talking.

All we do is talk, talk, talk - folks spew opinions like they're getting paid to generate them...BUT...no resolution. Yet.

Well, I shall bow out of that never-ending story, gracefully, because - this is it.

I am done talking...about the implied "rape" including the actual rape and enslavement of our community over the span of centuries. Even by those of my skin color BUT especially by those NOT of my skin color.

I am done talking about and drowning in the OCEANS of opinions about HOW I *SHOULD* FEEL ...or... WHAT I *SHOULD* ACKNOWLEDGE ...or... HOW I *SHOULD* BEHAVE ...or... HOW I *SHOULD* TALK ...OR... NOT TALK ...OR DRESS ...OR... WEAR MY HAIR ...OR... POP MY GUM ...OR... STAND ON THE SIDE WALK ...OR... WALK DOWN THE STREET ...OR... LIVE ...OR... LOVE ...OR... BREATH!

All of this TALK! For what?! To avoid making people UNCOMFORTABLE with MY truth?! To avoid raising the ire of "certain" people?! Guess what? "Those" folks will NEVER make the effort to understand me or those that look like me nor believe that we are even worth the effort.

I am done talking about...how I need to pull myself up by those FICTITIOUS bootstraps, while those same straps - made real due to premeditated ignorance - are LITERALLY strangling me and folks that look like me to death while we TRY TO apply for a FAIR home loan, TRY TO move to a better neighborhood, TRY TO enroll our children into better schools ...and so on...and so on ...and so on...and so on...and so on...

I am done talking about...how atrocities "didn't just happen to the African American community, it happened to other communities, as well".

I am done being told, "you're not the only people suffering or have suffered". AND? SO WHAT? I am expected to empathize with another's feeling and have my own ignored?! NO! My suffering is mine!

I can feel however and whatever I want but - nevermind- I am done talking about that AND what other communities have done after their tragic histories and what my community has seemingly failed to do - not my circus nor my cage.

I am done participating-in and wallowing-through verbal acrobats about RACE, RACISM and RACE RELATIONS that basically amount to whether we should call all these PAST and CURRENT actualities in our society - a po-TAY-toe or a po-TAH-toe. <laughing> Moot.

I am done reiterating - over and over and over and over and over again - the efficacy of the SYSTEMIC RACISM in this nation. It's working, no need to review. <shrugs> Some folks are NOT getting a fair shake and the African American community seems to bear the most weight in that imbalance. You don't need to believe or agree because I am done being told "if you don't want to get arrested, don't commit a crime" in THIS environment...when brown-skinned children are being assaulted at pool parties.

I am done advocating for and having discussions about "ShaLeeka", from around the way, being a 'hoe' because she twerkin' with eight children by eight men WHILE *THEY* CONVENIENTLY DISCOUNT HOW *HER* CHOICES WERE MINIMIZED AND STEERED TOWARD FAILURE because she lived with generational poverty and was looking for love/ attention in a society that will never find her beautiful and shows her everyday.

I am done explaining about "JaShawn" and'em, from the west side that DID GRADUATE COLLEGE, AVOID JAIL AND MAINTAINED INTEGRITY but they still have such difficulty finding a decent paying job because society seems to like black men to only DO "OKAY" so they can point and say, "see they're over that slavery-thing, we can all forget about it!". (We have Obama, right?) But GOD FORBID that same black man DOES "BETTER" THAN OKAY?! This perceived success HIGHLIGHTS those individuals and their PERSONAL inadequacies and failures - which triggers violence reaction. "Uppity, much? Let me beat that outta you."

I am done explaining about "Antwon" and'em, from the east side who DID NOT GRADUATE COLLEGE  AND WENT TO STRAIGHT TO JAIL because they felt those were the only options available to them.

I am tired of regurgitating the same old information about how "rigged the game" is - how no matter how hard we practice, work, are pleasant, speak well, have excellent manners or conform to societal standards...black men and women will always be handled like we are one misstep away from violence and/or incarceration (and considered second class citizens to those of authority because of this pervasive belief). Having to CONSTANTLY point out that when the original settlers dealt with this type of oppression from England - they revolted and created America! Yet, we are expected to "grin and bear it". This is why I am done...

I am done responding to being told that some people "don't see skin color" when, in fact, all we see is skin color because it's EASY to distinguish black from white - while adding preconceived ideas - THAN IT IS TO ACTUALLY GET TO KNOW AN INDIVIDUAL PERSON AND WHAT DRIVES THEIR CHOICES...and those who don't admit it are liars. But I'm done talking about that too, because..

I am so unbelievably tired of talking about HOW INSENSITIVE AND CALLOUS it is to be told that the ONLY way that my FEELINGS and my LIFE and my REALITY are VALUABLE and WORTH COMPASSIONATE UNDERSTANDING - is if they are approved by, agreed with and  validated by OTHER people?! I DON'T NEED THEIR APPROVAL OR AGREEMENT OR VALIDATION FOR MY TRUTH...TO BE MY TRUTH! It is mine.

I am done being told, we are thugs.

I am done being told, we are animals.

I am done being told, we are NOT beautiful.

I am done being told, we are NOT worth having the same opportunities as every other citizen of this nation.

I am done being told, we are NOT valuable.

I am done being told, we are NOT precious.

I am done railing against and listening to the endless dogma...and talking is obviously fruitless.

Moving forward, I commit to ignoring all commentary that does not contain an ACTUAL resolution to the increasingly apparent racial disparity in our society. If it's not apart of the resolution then it's apart of the problem and not worth my time. Or energy.

My energy will be directed toward providing a safe place and protecting those I love from those that don't love us (or wish to do us harm). Ya'll keep TALKING about it. I'll BE about it.

Nankurunaisa.

Life Said

Life said: "I never change but you can - if you want to - here's an opportunity."

I thought I didn't have any more energy to "fight" because I had been "fighting" for so long and so hard - I felt I needed and earned some rest. Endgame? Keep "fighting", the "fight" will get me where ever I need to be...real 'rest' will come, when I die.

Life said: "I never change but you can - if you want to - here's an opportunity."

I thought I was overwhelmed because I felt submerged by one event after another. The actuality was, in fact, fleeting, one breath to the next. The hammer will fall - frequently - yet as long as my core-understanding and faith endures, I will maintain then thrive. I can hold my breath 'til I surface...then "fight".

Life said: "I never change but you can - if you want to - here's an opportunity."

I thought I was burdened and a burden because I felt weighted down by situations that I could not predict, control nor influence. I readily accepted the blame for unforeseeable events. Yet, the reality is, there was nothing heavier than the pointless 'worry', I carried. It's time to lay that down. To be free...to "fight"

Life said: "I never change but you can - if you want to - here's an opportunity."

I thought I was hedged 'round by the solicited-offerings of others. But I was trapped. Wallowing in their dance-of-ego where imagery became more important that fact. Pride more important than love. Words were offered - just sounds. Promises made - then broken. Discussions had - then dismissed. Convenient-but-minor assistance was graciously offered with no actual in-roads made while inconvenient-but-helpful assistance stoically withheld and solutions never saw the equation. Those who spoke the most, offered the least but those who spoke the least, offered the most. Now, I see what it means to be the silent minority with the loudest activity....lesson learned.

Life said: "I never change but you can - if you want to - here's an opportunity."

Life will always take the sharp and abrupt turns that glide around gentle curves. Life will be a garden and a desert. Life will be the famine and the feast. Life will be the betrayal and the orgasm. Life never pauses. Ever. It never changes. It is dependable, in that, it cannot be trusted to be eternally evil or sweet-tempered. It cannot be anticipated or controlled...just lived.

It's not fair. So what.

Life said: "I never change but you can - if you want to - here's an opportunity."

It took anger to light the fire underneath my feet and force that second wind into my lungs. It took vision to note the declarations must be built on something. It took passion to refresh my memory about my own strength. To realize - again - that I've walked this path, this far and I don't intend to stop now...until I 'rest'.

Life said: "I never change but you can - if you want to - here's an opportunity."

I said: "I accept."

#CantStopWontStop
#IKnowWhatItMeans
#DontBeRidiculous
#MovingForward

"What’s Going On?" -- By Iyanla Vanzant

"What’s Going On?" -- By Iyanla Vanzant

If I whisper your name and you do not respond, my need to get your attention will grow. Eventually, I will call your name out loud. If you do not hear me or choose to ignore me, my need to have you pay attention and acknowledge my presence will be intensified. People have a need to be seen and heard. How we go about getting the attention we need or desire in any given moment can be questioned or judged, neither of which lessens the need.

Unmet needs give rise to a variety of emotions, many of which are toxic. These needs are often fueled by personal history and experience. Unmet needs often clash with the energy of the environment in which they live, giving rise to fear, anger or denial. People need to feel safe. They need to feel valued.

When people do not feel seen, heard or important, when they have needs that are dismissed, ignored or denied, they will do whatever they feel is necessary to get the attention of those they perceive can give them relief.

A whisper becomes a call. A call becomes a yell. When a yell does not yield a response people may pump their fists in the air. When the fists do not get a response, something will be thrown. If you are hit by what is thrown, you will respond, not to the initial need, but to the fact that you got hit.

The need that motivated the whisper remains unaddressed. The attention is now shifted to what I did rather than what I needed in the first place.

Whether we are looking at the Michael Brown case in #Ferguson, the uprising in Egypt two years ago or Rosa Parks refusing to give up her seat on a bus, there is an outcry of unmet needs and the experience of feeling unsafe and devalued in this country that must be acknowledged and addressed.

Couples do it to each other when they feel everything else has failed. Parents do it to their children when they are stressed or overwhelmed. Supervisors and co-workers do it overtly and covertly in ways that are both hurtful and harmful.

People get angry. When they do, they act out, strike out and commit acts which, if they are in their “right minds” they would not do and for which they often feel embarrassed and remorseful. We live in a world that has done a dismally, ineffective job of teaching people how to channel or express difficult emotions.

Those who witness or experience inappropriate emotional expressions often go into fear, then into judgment, then they expect the worse of you and from you.

In fact, they prepare for it, escalating the stakes and diminishing the initial need. Now their need takes priority. There is something they want from you. They want you to be quiet and go away. Now it’s about power; who has it and who doesn’t. More difficult emotion to process; more needs to be met.

When fear is present, vision is obscured.

When anger and rage cloud the mind, reasoning is faulty.

When people are hurt, they fear it will get worse.

When they are angry they look for ways to defuse and disperse the energy.

When people feel their power is challenged they intensify their resistance.

If people feel their power is stolen they act out in anger and despair.

Human beings pushed to the limit of their experience and capacity to process what they are feeling will and do act out. They do it in their homes. They do it on their jobs. When there is no experience of justice, there can be no peace.

When people feel they are not being heard, they will do whatever they feel is necessary to get your attention. They did it in Ferguson, MO. They did it with Occupy Wall Street. They did it in Selma. It will continue to happen in overt and covert ways until the needs of people are acknowledged and addressed.

Individually and collectively, we can attach a variety of reasons, rationales and judgments to what we have seen in Ferguson. We can agree or disagree. We can understand or not. What we must not do is deny that the needs of people in various pockets of this society are being ignored and dismissed.

It is time to admit that we are ill equipped and often unwilling to address the difficult truths that are erupting in the streets through our society.

People are suffering. Many are in despair. We no longer trust the systems and institutions created to protect and serve us. The institutions in Ferguson expected the worst from the people. They expected their power to be challenged. They set it up and they got just what they expected.

The people expected the worst from the institutions. They have seen it before. They trusted a system that has already proven it could not, would not respond their need for justice. They too got exactly what they expected.

Anything that anyone says in this moment cannot be heard with an open mind or heart.

We are now taking sides. We are looking at historical, social and personal perceptions of right and wrong; guilt and innocence; fairness and unfairness.

The issue is no longer the death of an unarmed youth. The issue has shifted away from the breakdown of trust and credibility between police authorities and the people they are entrusted to protect.

Dare we mention the criminalization and demonization of African American males throughout this country? Can we, without fear of reprisal and attack suggest the possibility of the abuse of power by police authorities? Should we even consider the difficult job of police officers in cities around the country when it is known that they are not trusted, often despised, with or without good reason? Are we to continue ignoring feelings of powerlessness, the need to be heard and seen; to feel valuable and important when you are poor or black or gay or elderly or just human? Where exactly are we to look for healing? What exactly is it that we expect to be healed?

To heal means to make whole again; to restore to original purpose and value.

This would require that everyone involved become willing to see, acknowledge and address the real truths that have resulted in more pain, more unmet needs, greater demonstrations of power and a deeper sense of powerlessness and despair.

It is possible that we are witnessing what happens when the very thing that makes us human, our capacity to think and respond with emotion, is taken lightly or not even considered.

We maybe sitting in the result of moving away from the heart, the need to feel connected. Perhaps we are being confronted with what happens when people, who are invisible are allowed into your mind, heart and home at all hours of the day and night.

One thing for sure, what is being played out on the news is not going away.

History will repeat herself until you understand what she is saying and address it head on.

"What’s Going On?" -- By Iyanla Vanzant

"I'm BLACKER Than You!" - What Does That Even Mean?!

An actress decided to publicly choose the way she defined herself and what terminology she wanted applied to her...and the "black internet community" lost their ever-loving minds!

Seriously, some black folks completely lost their sh!t - if it weren't so frighteningly appalling, it would be hilarious. But, I digress...

I've been reading some of the commentary made by black men/black women about Raven-Simone and the way she self-identified during an interview with Oprah Winfrey. The multitude of varying opinions are amazing! Some thoughtful. Some ignorant. Some passionate. Some mired in that "crab in a barrel" mentality. Some positive. Some negative. Some racist. Some compassionate. The variety is endless.

I have come to the realization that this is a conversation our community needed to have - it is a requirement!

This is why it's struck such a cord among us. Many of us say, "I'm black and I'm proud!" but there are too many definitions within our community of what "black" means.

FUN FACT: No one person is BLACKER than another person because of how they define themselves!

For some, the definition of what it means to be a black person is so NARROW AND RESTRICTIVE that it doesn't allow us to become more than the color of our skin. Or more than the 'hood we were raised in. Or more than the hustle we engage in to "get by". Or more than the number of baby mamas/daddies we have. These self-definitions make "black" seem like a negative. We are only the stereotypes that have plagued us since slavery.

But, for others, the definition of what it means to be a black person is so BROAD AND FAR-REACHING that it's almost impossible to fit one type of personality/economic background/age group or community within the wide parameters of that definition: Therefore, we are only what we say we are - we are nerds. And geeks. And professionals. And entrepreneurs. And artists. And gays. And heterosexuals. Whatever! These self-definitions make "black" seem like a diverse and multifaceted community that is not easily defined...AND YET ALL OF IT IS STILL "BLACK PEOPLE"!

I have come to understand, that black people don't actually feel comfortable with a wide-range of diverse, multilayered self-definitions of what it means to be "black". We seem to prefer very simple (or simplified) definitions of what it means to be "black", almost like we don't want to think too hard or focus too much on what it really means to be a black person, in America, today. Being a black person in America today does not mean the same "thing" it meant in the past.

As I mentioned, it's good thing we're having this conversation! We don't have to agree with one another but this discussion will help us, as a community, to understand what WE mean when WE 'say', "I am black!" We can then define ourselves - not BE defined by old-world prejudices, stereotypes or the purposeful ignorance of folks who refuse to understand, empathize with or acknowledge our history, culture or communities. WE CAN DEFINE OURSELVES!!! No other input required.

As a community, we are finally beginning to conceptualize, verbalize and understand a simple fact - we can more than just "one thing". We are more than our American history. We are more than our African ancestry. We are more than a people with a history of slavery. We are more than all of the negative implications/ generalizations/ stereotypes/ characterizations that people like to attach to us (that we sometimes attach to ourselves)!

Guess what? We get to choose how we identify ourselves! As individuals. As a community. As a people. The wonderful part about this discussion is, - "nobody is wrong" - when it comes to self-definition! Nobody - even other black people - can tell someone who chooses to self-identify a certain way, what is right and what is wrong!

The simple truth is, whether you agree with Raven-Simone - or not -we needed this discussion! Remember, we can't move toward the future - if the ONLY THING we see is the past. We should NEVER forget our history but WE HAVE GOT TO STOP LIVING IN THE PAST.

Dear Black People: You are who you say you are, you are what your actions show you to be. Nobody can change that. Nobody can truly define you - but YOU!

Nankurunaisa.

"HumbleBrag: Do you even oxymoron, bro?"

HumbleBrag: Who? What?! Do you even oxymoron, bro? This humble brag social-media "phenomenon" seems like a load of crap to me. Seriously.

Let me test my understanding of the definition: Someone mentions a situation/circumstance directly related to a personal-accomplishment/completed goal - they're are purposefully and slyly bragging? And it's called a "humble brag"?! Ummm. Okay. Weird.

Obvious Question: Even if this definition of "humble brag" were true - so what? Forgive my crass language but I don't sh!t what you eat, right? Soooo..."Humblebrag" (or just share your success) all you want! I'd applaud your efforts! Who wouldn't?

The underlying assumption to this "humble brag" thought process seems to dictate if someone is describing/discussing a positive personal accomplishment or completed goal - its delivery is meant to make the listener feel somehow "less"? Why? No one can make you feel like "less", unless YOU already believe that about yourself! Duh. The root of this, "you must be bragging" mentality, is a personal self-esteem issue. The fruit of which is envy, jealousy and the complete inability to share positivity without it being tainted by negativity. You can't be happy about someone else's happiness? And that's heavy, man. Who wants to carry all that weight? I don't.

Frankly, if men or women feel like "less" because they're listening to stories of OTHER folks success/accomplishments/completed goals/travels - perhaps there are deeper issues to contend with than thinking everyone is "bragging". Yeah. Get that looked at, there may be an ointment for it. <laughing> Ah well. Whatever. I'm babblin'. Again. Carry on.

Nankurunaisa.

Post Script: Dear Reader, if ever I offend your sensibility with (what YOU might consider as) "humble bragging" - I apologize, in advance. It was never my intention. Feel free to unfriend, unfollow, uncircle and/or block me. I won't change, it's really just my nature to live life with a distinct disregard of those folks who have many opinions but NO input in my life. They don't participate in my failure so they won't participate in my success - accept via social media posts. Oops. If you find my posts  offensive or "bragging", in any way...<laughing>...you may want to remove yourself from that which offends you. God speed.