Sisterhood?! Girl Code?! Nah.

Unpopular Opinion:

I don't actually believe in a "Sisterhood" or "Girl Code" or whatever phrase that means "trust a random group of women (strangers included) to have like-minded integrity and/or character-traits, equal to my own." 🧐

It just doesn't make sense, in my mind, to believe that "all" women are mentally setup the same way I am. That they will value what I value. That they will believe what I believe. That they will respect what I respect. That they have lived the life I've lived. 🤔

I believe women (and men, for that matter) are capable of anything because self-interest trumps a "Sisterhood" (or a "Brotherhood") all damn day. It's not about distrust. It's about acknowledging the darkness in people, as well as the light. It's pretty to think a "Sisterhood" or "Girl Code" is really-real...but people are people. 🤷🏽‍♀️

Change My Mind. ❤

I Hate Slave Movies. Yeah, I said it.

Whatever you're thinking, right now - full stop. The title of this blog is a statement. My statement. Based on my personal-lived experience. Your opinion matters to me...but not more than my own, on this topic.

So...yeah. I said what I said. I hate slave movies. Ugh. They don't teach me, my ancestors story. A movie about a slave is not history. They don't trigger empathy in me. They are glorified ways (to remind black men, women and children that they came from and are, "other") for Hollywood to make bank on the backs of our ancestral subjugation. No, thanks. I'll pass.

Also, please do not confuse learning history with watching movies that contain questionable and/or negative content.

There is MORE that ONE way to learn history. Movies about our history are not the ONLY way to learn our history. See, many social media comments seem to indicate how it "important" it is, for us, to attack our conscience with the repetitive and corrosive slave movie - yet <cricket sounds>, (generally speaking) when the discussion is about controlling the narrative about ourselves.

I can't consume a regular diet of self-inflected image-mutilation without some negative effects to my psyche, right? Why would I volunteer for mental imprisonment (about what I can be and who I am) when my ancestors struggled vehemently to free bodies and MINDS from the tragedy of slavery. I just won't do it. Sidebar: I don't voluntarily poison either. Duh.

An old saying [from my 501(c)3 days] goes: "No meetings about ME, without ME." - in essence, other folks don't get to decide what is best for ME and MINE. I don't allow folks (who don't have our best interest at heart) to control the narrative about what it best for ME and MINE.

As a parent, I consider it my duty to monitor what my children "consume".
Including school activities and curriculum. I am partner, in their education, not a passive by-stander.
I don't "let them" teach my children any-old-thing without my review and involvement. This is why schools have curriculum nights. I take action where appropriate and applicable. "They" won't soften anything for my children because I am here to defend the integrity of what they consume. So...yeah, I won't be drinking the Kool-Aid of Slave Movies. We can and will learn, in detail, what our ancestors and their allies did to free themselves and change the heart of this nation. It's a WONDERFUL lesson to add as a brick in the foundation of "Who We Are"...but not the only brick.

The days where we sit idly by and LET people do what they will to us - are gone. "They" (whatever that implies) only have the power over us...that we give "them".

Created 2/17/18
Revised 4/21/19

We Are Not A Criminal Monolith! Damn.

I have found, when the discussions are about black men/women and crime, some folks don't want to look at the individual black man or black women. They are "okay" with using language that implies we are monolithic.

There is a frequently used common thread among many on social media that "lump" us all together to make it seem as though black men/women are inherently criminals. Goes something like this: "Blacks are 13% of the population and they commit 50% of all crime."...or... (my favorite, since I live in Michgan) "What about Chicago?"

The implication is all 13% of black men and women are committing all of those crimes. Are there some black men and women that engage in criminal behavior? Yes. Are black men and women inherently criminals? No. Duh.

The other implication is all black men and women content with or contributing to all of the crimes in Chicago. I hate to be repetitive but... Are there some black men and women that engage in criminal behavior in Chicago? Yes. Are black men and women, in Chicago, inherently criminals? No. Duh.

Whatever the case may be, many folks believe that black men and women are inherently prone to negative/criminal  behavior. It's a FASLE and terrible  belief to harbor in one's heart. Sadly, many are willing to take (what they believe to be reciprocal) violent action because of it. That is frightening. (Like, super freaking scary for me, as a black woman!)

Frankly, as long as that narrative is continually packaged and distributed as a 'true' representation of all black men and women - I cannot waiver from my understanding that some folks don't want change. They happy feeling 'superior'.

I have to navigate in the world I actually live. And some folks, in this world, will only see the color of my skin and won't give a damn about the content of my character. Or my life.

I must always tread carefully. And it's exhausting.

Created 10/22/2017

[Inspired]

#LongPost
#WordyButWorthy
#ThoughtsAndRamblings

Hmmm...okay. Here goes...

IF THE WHOLE THE POINT IS:

Folks want EQUAL and FAIR treatment based on THEIR merits. It's not unreasonable to assume ALL Americans want this. It makes perfect sense, in my mind. Seems freaking legit! Applicable to all! Agreed? Agreed!

But...lately, I have seem a common thread during online and offline discussions. Particularly, in chat rooms/comment section and blogs. Descriptions about whose actually getting that fair and equal share. Many of those swiftly devolve into insults. And no resolution/relief for either side.

Frankly, I believe times are difficult and almost everyone is having difficulty maintaining.

However, ya'll loose *me*, when you use the backs of others (sometimes, literally)...to step on...while reaching for *your* fair and equal share. Also, displaying less empathy for others, as long as "you're getting yours" - or open hostility, if you feel like you're missing out! That's high-key madness! And low-key hypocrisy.

This is not rocket science!

I understand that many people reject the very idea of any type of privilege, especially if it includes the word "white". I get it. I'm not here to embolden believers of 'white' privilege or preach it.

I'm just observing some critical discrepancies about how some folks want to control the narrative about their "hardwork" and the "hardwork" of others.

I also understand that it is difficult to look at the life you've lived and have some one say, "oh yeah, all of that was handed to you" - that will seem ridiculous, when you've lived the experience. You know it was a struggle. You also know "good and damn well" that NOTHING was handed to you. You KNOW you EARNED it BECAUSE of YOUR hardwork!

Well, guess what...many brown-skinned men and women can proclaim the exact sentiment. They feel the same way!

Therein lies the frustration. We're tugging on the same rope. Neither willing to give an inch. Too many folks are so busy wanting acknowledgement for their own personal lived-experience - they are willing to devalue, everyone else's lived experience.

Clearly, that hasn't accomplished much, if anything. Maybe we can try this one on, for size: "I'll acknowledge yours while you acknowledge mine."

TL;DR? We're all just trying to make it. We're walking different paths to the same destination: A good life. For ourselves and loved ones. Being sh!tty won't get anyone there faster.

[Inspired By A Comment Thread/Revised For Clarity]

Created 10/21/17

Being a Black Woman.

It can sometimes feel like an unnecessary weight to me. Being black is super *heavy*. But a black woman? There are everyday microaggressions built within society that try to finagle the individuality of black women into a monolith. The pressure to conform to the foolishness is ridiculous. And if we *do* display certain behaviors, then fingers are pointed at us, lik...see you're just another <insert false belief about black women>.

You must be: Strong! Even when we're weak! And suffering. Complaints equal weakness. Getting help means weakness. And weakness means we're (somehow) less than - "Your grandmother made it through how come you can't?"

You must be: Vulnerable! Even to the detriment of our own Physical and Mental Health! We must shrink ourselves so that others feel big!

You must be: Proud of your blackness!
Aggressively proud!!! We must love, The Good The Bad and The Ugly! Or we hate ourselves and the culture!

You must be: Infatuated with Black history! Never EVER forgetting the HISTORY is slavery!!! Ever. We must read books about slavery, we must watch movies about slavery...and looking to the future means we don't care about what our ancestors did, to get us to where we are! And we hate ourselves and the culture.

You must be: Submissive! To our men! To our children! To our work-superiors! If we are not submissive, the (destructive) assumption is, you're just another one of those "loud-mouth angry black women"! And don't deserve any good things, especially a healthy, loving relationship! Also we don't get to define what submissive means. Be we must BE submissive.

You must be: A caretaker of other folks issues and their feelings...ABOVE OUR OWN! Because apparently, being a black woman means, you are responsible for other people's feelings! Like the "mammy" from olden days! We're supposed to *empathize* with every other cultural issue/problem but when *we* discuss ours, *we* are pulling the Race Card!

You must be: Supportive of (A...L...L) Black Men! We have to love black men more than we love ourselves! Even the ones that have *put* themselves into bad situations because of their OWN poor decisions (that have nothing to do with a white man or a black woman)! If we don't love black men more than ourselves...we hate black men, we hate ourselves and we hate our culture! And we (apparently) don't deserve love.

You must be: Responsible for every action taken within the community! When black men choose to be abusive towards their spouse...it is the black woman's fault. Should have been more submissive!
When black men have sex with multiple women and make multiple babies...it is the black woman's fault. Those thots should not have open their legs. When black men walk away from *whole* families (for whatever) and the sons/daughters grow up wild...it is the black woman's fault. She should have raised those babies better!

You must be: Proud of your coil-y hair and wear it naturally! Wearing our hair bone-straight or in any other style that is not its natural state means you *hate* yourself! And others who look like you.

You must be: Christian! And conform to the societal structure within the church. Practicing any other religion makes you an odd duck and you may be ostracized by the very culture you were born into!

We can't win for losing. It's tedious!!! The weight of the misconceptions. The weight of the stereotypes. The weight of the expectations. From inside and outside the culture. Being a Black Woman? It's a lot!

See, fuck all of that...I just want to be Edith.

Created 12/9/18

Dear Co-worker...

No. I will not be bullied.

No. I will not be manhandled.

No. I will not be manipulated.

No. I will not be treated like trash until YOU need something from me. I reject that behavior.

No. I will not be the "toy" YOU decide to pick up and put down, whenev7er its convenient for you. I reject that interaction.

No. I will not respond when YOU decide that this day, is the day, you want to talk AT me. About yourself. I reject that conversation.

No. I will not treat YOU respectfully, when you passively/aggressively disrespect ME throughout the week. I reject those micro-aggressions.

No. I will not let YOUR behaviour dictate what MY behavior will be. I reject that logic.

No. I am not a plant. Or a pet. Or an inanimate object you can pretend is not there. Yes, I am here. Namaste.

No. I am am not a counselor. Or an therapist. Or a psychologist. Or psychiatrist. I am not here for you to vent your every negative thought. I reject that discussion.

Frankly, I am not here for you. At all. I am not your friend or assistant. I am not your sister or brother. I am not your husband or wife. I am not your family. I am an employee. You are an employee. We are co-workers. We work for the same organization. I reject the burden of your insecurities, issues, undiagnosed mental health challenges and incorrect perceptions about me.

The only thing I am obligated to provide to you, as a co-worker, is polite professionalism and productivity, directly related to my own workload.

Remember this.

Created 2/19/19